The Imitation Mom

She tilted her head and smiled, “how old are your kids?”

I was sitting in a the church office chatting with the Director of women’s ministry. Our scheduled meeting had concluded and the conversation shifted towards the holidays when the question came up.

And of course it came up. Because what 45 year old lady who is married, lives in suburbia and goes to church regularly doesn’t have kids?

Welp, this one.

I rattled off my normal explanation of how I had two step-kids who were are older and out on their own. I usually try to keep the details light, while also trying to quickly address the fact that I don’t have young kids at home, or kids of my own for that matter. Everything about me and my lifestyle screams that I do, so I’ve gotten used to addressing it swiftly and then moving the conversation on to something else.

Earlier that same day, I had finished a book where the story was heavily focused on a mom and her experience with her child - this summary is overly simplistic, but bare with me. A friend had recommended it to me so when I finished, I sent her a text indicating that I wasn’t really sure that I “got it”, or really grasped whatever the author was getting at.

As I thought about it a little more, I sent another text right after and said, “I wonder if I’m not really getting it because I’m not a mom?”

Her text bubble started up and then stopped for a bit. Then it started again. “You know, I never even considered that you might not connect with the story since you aren’t a mom. You seem *so much like a mom* that I often forget that you aren’t! LOL”.

And I will give her that, I do. I live a very mom type of life. I’m in a lot of communities where almost everyone is a mom. I’m married. I’m in my 40’s. I go to church regularly. And I am a step-mom. I’m sort of like an “imitation mom”, looks like, acts like and seems like the real thing, but when you get down to it, it’s really a shadow, a hologram, a whisper of the authentic.

An imitation.

I know this topic can be sensitive and often when this conversation comes up, people usually attempt to placate me, to downplay the fact that I don’t have my own children, especially since I do have a role as step-mom…“Well, you still raised those kids!!”

But when it comes to the intricate knowledge of being pregnant, giving birth, dealing with nipple cream and diapers and first steps and first words and first days of kindergarten…I only have secondhand knowledge of those things from what I’ve heard at countless bunco games, girl’s nights, women's groups or dinner parties.

My friend and I texted a bit more about what it’s like for me to be the “imitation” mom. To live a life where 97% of women I am close with have kids. To have arrived at a stage of life where even the possibility of having biological children has quieted to barely a whisper. And to be a little sad about it.

She had figured that Paul and I chose not to have kids. That didn’t really surprise me. Our story is nuanced which means it rarely gets discussed at length at small groups and dinner parties.

Paul had a vasectomy before we were married. Once we got married, we ended up moving pretty quickly due to a PCS, and I was navigating being a step-mom to an 11 year old. We discussed having a reversal but at that time the cost would have been $10k+. About 5 years later, when we were in our early 40’s, an opportunity came up to have a reversal for no-cost. We figured, why not? If God wants us to have a child at this point, let’s do this and see what happens. That was about 5 years ago. So it wasn’t really an intentional choice to not have children of our own, it had a lot more to do with timing and life circumstance. Had he not had the vasectomy before we were married, I am quite sure we would have eagerly tried to have children soon after we got married.

My phone dinged, “Dang, I feel like I know you pretty well and I never realized this was something you have a hard time with.” Her text bubble paused.

“I’m really sorry you didn’t get to have the experience with being a mom that you had hoped for.”

My chest tightened.

All of the emotions I had felt over the past few years welled up in my eyes and lightly tracked toward my chin.

She had so perfectly described my experience as an imitation mom. It absolutely, 1000% was not the experience of being a mom that I had hoped for.

And goodness me if that isn’t the experience that ties us all together!?

Any mom’s out there who are also not having the experience of being a mom that they had hoped for?

Despite the multitude of ways we can be divided, there are far more powerful ways that bond. I may feel like an imitation mom because I didn’t get to have the same experience with pregnancy and childbirth that so many other women have. Other moms might feel like imitation moms because they can barely get a shower in every three days while other moms are insta-perfect every day. Or maybe they feel like a failure because one of their kids is strong-willed and difficult and always in trouble. Or maybe their kid doesn’t seem to care about them or won’t even talk to them anymore.

It’s not the mom experience that you had hoped for.

I’m sure most, if not all, moms feel this way at some point. We have big hopes and dreams about motherhood because it’s what we were created to do. We can bring new life into this world. And what a powerful and amazing ability that is! God created us for this intensely satisfying job and crafted within us is the ability to nurture and love in ways only a mother can. Of course we crave and hope for that experience to fill us, to satisfy.

But we live in a broken world and there are forces working hard, tainting what we had hoped for.

My friend texted me a few days later…“I’m still thinking about our conversation from the other day. It really gave me a new perspective and I feel so much closer to you even though I already feel like I knew you so well. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.”

I agreed with her. I felt closer to her too. It meant so much to me that she noticed. She could have seen my initial message about not being a mom and breezed past it.

But she didn’t.

She noticed me and she validated my experience as an imitation mom. And because she stopped and noticed, it caused me to contemplate a connection to other moms that I hadn’t initially considered - the fact that none of us are probably experiencing what we had hoped for.

Connections matter. No one wants to be alone in their experience. God wants us to be in rich, deep community because he intimately knows the benefits it provides. Relationship, fellowship, connections to others are real, authentic, solid.

We may feel like imitations at times in our life, but God always provides something genuine for us to grasp. All we have to do is extend our hand.