When you don’t know what’s next

For the better part of this year I’ve been feeling aimless, lost.

This past summer this nebulous feeling started to come into focus. I could see clearly what had been driving this uncomfortable sense of unease.

I don't know what's next.

For almost as long as I can remember, I've known what I'm working towards, what I want to do next.

• Graduate college - get an "adult job".

• Decide I want to work in HR so I can pursue my dream of being an HR Generalist.

• Work at a casino to put myself through graduate school.

• Get my MBA so I can get a job in HR.

• Get job in HR to get experience so I can get a better job in HR.

• Work hard and get promoted.

• Move - get settled.

• Date - find a husband.

• Get married - figure out how to be a step parent.

• Move - get settled.

• Trade in corporate life for small business ownership.

• Move - get settled

• Learn, grow, learn, grow. Make six figures.

• Move - pivot - learn - grow. Start coaching. Build courses. Build programs. Learn - grow - teach.

• Trade in sticks and bricks for full time life. Figure out how to travel while running a business.

• Covid. Unrest. Division.

• Decide to settle. Finish house. Move in. Get Settled.

But what is next?

Things are going well with my business. I've built something I'm proud of. But I've also been feeling disconnected from the small business community. Covid and the past two years changed things in ways hard to describe. So I'm no longer sure of where to focus my efforts.

I've adjusted until I found my sweet spot.

I've made the courses.

I've done the podcast.

I've spoken at events.

I've led the mastermind.

I've built a team.

I haven't built a large social media. But at this point it feels played out. I'm tired of putting myself in the box. I don't want to be the " insert niche here" girl. I like nuance. I like variety. I like being a generalist. So focusing specifically on that doesn't light my soul on fire. But I do love to teach and I love sharing insights. I'm just not sure how that meshes with platforms where the goal is increasingly focused on selling rather than connecting.

Things with Paul are awesome. He is really enjoying the work he is doing now that he has a functioning garage and projects galore. We are plugged into church. We are both attending great group Bible studies. We feel settled here in Waco and it's only been a year.

So what in the world is next?

I turned 46 this year and I really am not sure how to feel about it. I think it's mostly because our lives are pretty different than most other 46 year olds. We don't have young kids or relentless schedules and demanding jobs. So we end up in groups and spaces with people or couples who are around 10-20 years older than us. Sometimes I feel a little down about that but most of the time it's pretty awesome. There is a lot of wisdom in those 10-20 years that we can benefit from.

Lately when I think about what's next for me and for us I've been thinking about that 10-20 years. In TWENTY years, I will be 66. I know a LOT of 66 year olds who are thriving and have just as much energy as I do. I have done SO much stuff in the past twenty years. Like a mind boggling amount of stuff. Moves, jobs, friends, travels. So much stuff. Imagine what I can do in the next twenty even thirty or forty years!

Thinking about it that way makes me feel so EXCITED. Excited to see what's going to happen in the next chapter of Paul and Cinnamon. The options feel endless and I can't wait to see what we do!

We could adopt. Or I could write 10 books and make a living from writing. Or I could become a teacher or professor. Or Paul could build a thriving business doing what he loves. We could move. We might have a bundle of grandkids. We might get all 50 states in golf. Or we might go back out on the road.

Or we might do all of those. Or none of them.

As I’ve been feeling aimless, I have realized it’s because I’ve been feeling like I've reached a sort of edge in my life, when in reality, I'm no where near the edge. It’s less of an edge and more of a very sharp corner that I can’t see around.

And because I can’t see around that corner, I'm not sure where to point my arrow. It feels uncomfortable and awkward and I don't like it. But I also know that good things usually come out of times where we are out of our comfort zone. So I'm doing my best to be patient, to pray daily, and ask God for guidance and desire to go where he leads, to continue to foster relationships and connect with others.

Just because you don't know what's next doesn't mean you don't have a purpose.

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