What is the point of this website?

This is the question that is haunting me…keeping me up at night. I love questions because I love answering them…however, this one has me stumped.

Everything within me is screaming, write! Get out all those thoughts in your head. Explore your ideas, challenge them with research, craft sentences you are proud of…write something that others can connect with.

That is ultimately why this website exists. I want to do all of the above and a writing website feels like the most natural and obvious place to do that, but I am conflicted on what to write and for whom. When it comes to writing, audience really is everything....who are you talking to and what message do you want to convey? Without knowing those things, I feel like I'm mostly just treading water.

When I used to write on a regular basis in the early 2010's knowing your audience seemed to be less of an issue. Things have changed drastically since then. Our obsession with likes, hearts, follows and shares drives behavior that doesn't mesh well with me. I value genuine, honest connection and everything about social media feels overworked, trendy and forced.

The political divide in our country has also given me pause when it comes to sharing in such a scary place like the internet. Knowing people might be waiting behind their keyboards ready to rip you to shreds at the first inkling that you said something that they slightly disagree with. doesn’t necessarily facilitate the creative process. And if you full force go against the status quo you risk putting your friendships and even your livelihood at risk.

The maddening part is that real life isn't anything like social media. The keyboard and the computer screen have given people license to say things they would never say to a persons face. Adding to the chaos, social media itself has given us intimate access to thousands of people (and their ideas) that we never would have had access to before. There is no short supply of rage posting or unfriending because someone you barely know posted an article that obviously signals that they have fully bought in to Nazi or Marxist ideology.

So when I think about what I want to write, I end up thinking about all of this.

I think about my friends from high school and college who may feel like they know me now based on who I was then, ignoring the fact that 20 additional years of life experience has altered most things about me. Maybe they realize I'm "this way" now and totally write me off.

I think about the people I work with and how they might react learning more about how I "really" think about a lot of general or societal issues. Will they try to cancel me? Will they stop working with me? Everything right now feels so delicate and forced. Gone are the days when you simply don't discuss religion and politics because now even deciding what ice cream or pillow to buy comes with a staunch political statement.

I think about the people who I know IRL but only know surface-y things about me. You can only have deep conversations so often, but writing is deep and exposes parts of you many people don't get to see. What if they see something they don’t like and then feel awkward around me the next time I see them?

These are the people who feel like my current "audience"...the people who right now may pay attention to something I post, mainly on FB or Insta. The problem is, I'm not sure this is who my audience should be.

So when I think about what I want to write, I end up thinking about all of this.

I wonder about what other people with whom I have access to (facebook friends, instagram followers) think about the things that are happening in society. Do they notice? Do they care? Are they still willing to be friends with those who fall on a different "side" than they do? Do they consider themselves to be on a side? Do they hate that there are sides? Are there even sides? Or are we ALL being fed a non-stop diet heavy in propaganda and binary thinking when in fact, most, if not all, subjects fall on a gradient?

Then I begin thinking about if other peoples potential reactions to what I write really, really matters in the grand scheme of things? Maybe someone with whom I have sparse, mostly online relationship with reads something I write and as a result they try to argue with me or unfriend me or talk about me behind my back or fires me or quits or tries to paint me as a (insert insult here) online or with other people.....do I actually care?

Would that really affect me in a major way? Should it?

My worth and value is not based on the opinions or cares of other people, its wrapped up in my identity in Christ and his commandment to love Him and love others. That is my main purpose and goal in life, it's not to make sure that no person I come in contact with ever has a negative opinion of me. But I also don't want to alienate people simply because they are not my intended audience.

So when I think about what I want to write, I end up thinking about this.

Ok, ok, Cinnamon...we get that you don't know who your target audience is. But you still haven't told us what this website is about? What gives?

Can I be honest and messy and transparent when everything else that happens online is produced and primed and polished?

I don't know.

I'd like to write about a lot of things. My life, experiences I've had, how my faith has shaped me, societal issues, political issues, marriage, parenthood, what it's like to not fit in, what it's like to feel utterly ordinary in a world full of influencers.

But I don't have an overarching "message" or "lane" yet. Maybe it will simply develop over time. That's what I'm hoping anyway. But it also makes this process feel like walking through quicksand.

I'm used to operating with a plan and I rarely start something without an at least broad sense of where I want it to go. And I guess, in a sense, I do know that I want to write a book. And I know that the only way to get from here (no book) to there (book) is to get in the habit of writing.

So as of right now, (July 2022) I have no expectations for this place. I'm not looking to grow my audience at this time because without having a clear purpose, message and goal I'm not even sure how that would work. I'm not even sure how much of this I will share on social media. It feels wonky to point people to this without giving them a reason to take time out of their day to read what I'm writing.

So for now, this place is like my darkroom. I'm developing and working through where I want to go and what sort of picture I want to create. I'm both excited and nervous for the journey. In the off chance that you are here reading these words for some reason, I want you to know, I'm glad.

Connection is not possible without two parties, and no matter where you fall on any side, whether you agree with me fully or hate everything I have or will say...I value you as a human and think you have worth as a being created in the image of a loving God. I don't expect you to offer me the same respect, but I hope you do if only for the sake of learning and growing and connecting in some way deeper than 10 seconds and a swipe.

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