How to cultivate a good marriage

Dear Cinnamon

Feb 22

Dear Cinnamon,
I really desire a marriage where we are each other's best friend, where we dream and plan and share and enjoy life together. We have a good relationship but we seem to think and plan and operate independently a lot more than we do together. I think sometimes I'm also afraid to share my dreams for the future with my husband because I don't think he'll get it or he won't be interested. Any advice for cultivating a marriage like that?

Dear Reader,

Marriage. An “easy” topic for my first Dear Cinnamon entry! ;-)

These are the two main lessons that I have learned in my last 11 years of marriage. I believe both of these have contributed to our success in not only staying married but actually enjoying each others company and remaining best friends.

1) Christ is the center. “A cord of three strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) and
2) a straight up ridiculous amount of communication.

First, Paul and I are both Christians and have a foundational understanding about what Christianity says about marriage. This ensures we are on the same page regarding our approach to marriage and how we think about marriage. Even though we don’t agree on everything, and we, of course, have different approaches to some situations, we are still standing on the same ground. We’ve had times in our marriage when we make church attendance, bible study and praying together a priority and times when we have let all of that slide.

We both tell a difference in ourselves and our marriage when we get lazy.

Our Christian understanding of humility also helps us to remember to put each other first. Understandably, this approach benefits any relationship, not just a marriage.

Second, we learned early on that the more we communicate the better. You mention “we seem to think and plan and operate independently….more than we do together”. Let me tell you, that describes Paul and I to a T. I love to plan, organize and be prepared. Paul loves spur of the moment and going into new situations not knowing what to expect. Paul is more extroverted and I’m a total introvert. He has siblings and I’m an only child. He was married before and I wasn’t. We approach situations differently in so many ways!

We have had a LOT of hard conversations over the years where we have been brutally honest with each other. And we have those conversations even when neither one of us want to! But being dedicated to having those talks ensures that we don’t let things sit and fester only to bubble out as an explosion at some inopportune time.

There is so much more I could add if I could sit and ask you allllll the questions, but I’ll leave it at this….there’s a reason you got married and you do feel like you have a good relationship, lean into those things! Especially when talking about dreams and plans for the future.

Approach those conversations from a mindset of “this person married me and loves me and cares for me” instead of “this person might not understand or be for me.” It might change how YOU approach the conversation which ultimately might change everything.

And also, some of the best advice that was ever given to me a long time ago (I wish I could remember who told me) was “time spent worried on what might happen or how someone might react is a huge waste of time. Don’t worry about it until it has or is happening.” Hard to do, but it does work!

Marriage is a lot of work, but it is so worth the effort! I’ll be praying for you!

~Cinnamon