Is this Friendship done?

Dear Cinnamon

Feb 28

Dear Cinnamon,
How do I approach reconnecting with a friend that seems to have distanced herself from me? We were best friends in high school/college/through marriages and kids. She was there for me when my Mom passed, and then her Mom passed and instead of letting me be there for her, she pulled away. I text her occasionally (maybe once every 6 months) with Happy Birthday or “how are you”, and she does eventually reply…but it hurts that this relationship has basically been severed. I rarely talk about it because it is too painful. What should I do?

Dear Reader,

First I just want to say that I’m so sorry you are dealing with this situation! Loosing a close friend can be so painful especially if you don’t know what’s going on!

It sounds like this is a friendship you would love to be restored. My first instinct would be to take that awkward step of confronting the situation and letting her know how you feel and asking if there is anything that can be done to restore the friendship. You can do this in a way that addresses what you DO know and also acknowledging the fact that you might be missing some important information.

“Hey there ____! I know we don’t really talk like we used to and I miss it! Is there something I did that upset you? Or has something else happened that has caused you to not want to talk quite as much? I really have valued our close friendship in the past and I just wanted you to know that. I don’t want to make any assumptions which is why I wanted to let you know that if I did do something to upset you, I’d love the opportunity to make it right. If it’s something else that you don’t feel comfortable discussing, that is totally fine as well, no pressure! I just wanted to let you know I really do miss you and our friendship!”

Depending on how long it’s been since you’ve been pretty close, doing something like this might not feel right. Sometimes there is too much time and space and life that has happened in between. At times, God puts people in our lives for a season and that’s ok, even if we want the season to extend. It can also feel unsettling when you don’t really know why the other person has pulled away. Life circumstance causes this sometimes (a move, a new job etc…) but when there is no obvious reason for the withering of the friendship it can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. We want answers! When we don’t have them, our minds wander and often make up things that are far worse than reality.

There is also the possibility that the distancing of the friendship might not have anything to do with you as a person. Maybe she experienced something else in her life that she really isn’t sure how to handle or is still processing through. Some people feel very uncomfortable bringing those things to their friends even though that is one of the most important things they SHOULD be doing. We aren’t meant to go through tough times alone. But often people don’t want to feel like a burden so instead they pull away.

If that is the situation, you might never know what is actually going on or why she distanced herself. Or she might feel comfortable talking to you about it someday in the future. Either way, continuing the occasional texts to let her know you are still there is really a good idea.

Even though she isn’t super responsive, those texts might mean more to her than you will ever know.

Here is what I would suggest to help begin healing regarding this relationship:

Reach out and be honest about how you feel
Pray for her and about the situation in general - ask God for reconciliation or peace
Be there for her with open arms should she ever return
Lean into your other close friendships and value that time together

Thank you for asking this question. Adult friendships can be tricky to navigate sometimes, but maintaining a focus on open and honest communication is all that is really within your control. The fact that this is so painful for you shows just how much you care. Your friends are lucky to have you!